i 




OP "THE - 

•STL9UIS-BAR 

I 



Entered According to Act of Congress in the Office of the 
Librarian of Congress, Washington, D. C. 
in the year 1891. 
BY GEO. W. BAILEY. . 




— Hip it' ■ "— — A / sy 
•STIPUIS-BAR' 



Vy^A. 




tJO 






)t|ir©4tfd©ry. 



HE objects in presenting this " Diagram or Satire" 
to the public is to illustrate the glorious un- 
certainty of facts, sometimes popularly and errone- 
ously designated as the Glorious Uncertainty of the 
Law. 

To illustrate some of the difficulties in the way of 
finding facts in Civil Causes under the present General 
Jury System by twelve persons naturally and widely 
differing in character and sentiments, under the delu- 
sive requirement, or expectation, that each will intel- 
ligently, independently and impartially agree with the 
othe eleven, and together "a true verdict render 
according to the evidence." 

To portray certain classes of Lawyers and Litigants 
who bring reproach upon the Honorable Profession 
and Practice of tbe Law, and who seek, under False 
Colors, to reap the Rewards of Merit. 

But evenif this little volume shall afford its reader 
entertainment or pleasure during some leisure hour 
which might otherwise have dragged heavily, or 
proved dull, one object of the author will have been 
accomplished. 

Geo. W. Bailey. 
St. Louis, August, 1891. 



"©eelic&tion. 

TO THE MEMBERS OF THE AMERICAN BAR AND BUSINESS 

CIRCLES who caq discover iq thjs ''Diagram or Satire" notqing 

sufficiently "polisqea"' to cast reflectioqs upon tlqemsefves, thjs 

little volurqe is, witq some misgiviqgs, respectfully dedicated, 

By the Autqor, 

GEO. W. BAILEY, 



^bhU ©f Cet\Ut\U. 



Frontispiece. — The Trial Scene — Lawyer Crow Addressing 
the Jury. 

Chapter. Page. 

I. — The Grievance, -------9 

II. — Consultation — Titmouse and Crow, 9 

III. — The Cause of Action, - 10 

IV. — The Court and Sheriff, - - - - 11 

V. — Consultation — Owl and Raven, - - - - 12 

VI. — Owl's Answer, - - - - - - - - 15 

VII. — Titmouse's Replication, 16 

VIII.— Consultation — Titmouse and Crow, - - - 17 

IX— The Trial, 18 

X.— The Jury, 19 

XL— The Clerk. - - 20 

Xir. — Plaintiff's Witnesses, 21 

XIII— The Evidence, 22 

XIV.— Raven's Cross-Examination, 23 

XV. — The Defense, - - - 27 

XVI. — Testimony for Defendant, 28 

XVII — Crow's Cross-Examin ition, 30 

XVITI — Testimony in Rebuttal, 32 

XX — The Close — The Instructions, - - - - 83 

XXL — Raven's Argument for Defendant, - - - 36 

XXII. — Crow's Argument for Plaintiff, - - - - 41 

XXIV. — In the Jury Room, 46 

— Thk Disagreement, ------- 4S 

XXV.— The Moral, - - 48 



JjHtt^is Psr*©^ 



I.— THE OFFICIALS. 

The Court, - - Judge Eagle. 

The Clerk, Tom Turkey. 

The Sheriff, ....... a. Falcon. 

II.— THE PARTIES. 

Plaintiff — Defendant— 

O'Day Titmouse. A. Knight Owl. 

III.— THE ATTORNEYS. 

For Plaintiff. For Defendant. 

"Hon." Blackstone Crow, -'Col." Mansfield Raven, 

IV.— THE JURY. 

A. Gray Squirrel, Blackwell A. Jackdaw, Fowler Mink, 

U. Chase Coon, Reynard Fox, A. Field Rat, 

P. Greene Frog, S enter I. Polecat, Waters Kingfisher . 

0. Littell Wren, C. Golden Robbin, Seymour Bat. 

V.— THE WITNESSES. 

For Plaintiff. — Messrs. Jay, Black-bird, Hawk, Mocking-bird, 
Swallow, Red-bird, Pigeon, Blue-bird, Yellow-bird, Rail, 
Woodpecker, Dove, Sparrow, Quail. 

For Defendant. — Messrs. Whippoorwill, Cricket, Oppossum, 
Katydid, Mouse, Weasel, Ferret. 



I)ia6raiT) of a jModeri) Lav Suit, 



-OR- 



A Sabire or) Trial by Jury 



BY GEO. W. BAILEY, OF THE ST. LOUIS BAR, 



I. 

The Grievance, 

With yearnings, like the human race, 
One Titmouse dreamed he had a case 
Against one Owl, neighbor, by right, 
For constant hooting through the night. 

II. 

Consultation — Titmouse and Cfoux 

So forthwith did this Titmouse go 
With his complaint to Lawyer Croze, 
Who wisely rolled his eyes about, 
And said " Just cause beyond a doubt; 

"Laws are useless, lawyers geese, 
Unless disturbance of the peace 
From such offense he surely found ; 
With cases clear the books abound. 



10 DIAGRAM OF A MODERN LAW SUIT. 

" Now you and I must manage so 
That we shall here great damage show, 
For such wild hootings through each night 
That put your dreams and sleep to flight. 

" But this old Owl will ne'er stand fight ; 
A Church Member in such a plight ! 
Our awful charges, without doubt, 
Will cause him to at once Shell Out! 

" The difficulty's here," said Crow, 
" Below Police Courts I ne'er go; 
If all our earnings we can pool 
Exception I'll make to my rule." 

Then Titmouse said, " I'll yield the point, 
And when Old Owl's knocked out of joint, 
And cash or damages you get, 
We'll have a square divide, you bet." 



III. 



The Cause of Action. 

So Crow the cause of action drew, 
Then to Judge Eagle s court he flew 
With case of Titmouse versus Owl, 
" Great damages for nightly howl." 

Petition then went on to state 
That through these nights, early and late, 
" Said Owl said Plaintiff's peace disturbed 
With hideous hootings never heard 



A SATIRE ON TRIAL BY JURY. 11 

" Before upon this mundane sphere, 
As if the fiends below were near 
To banish rest and bring dismay 
By sounds too horrible for day ! 

" Concealedjn hollow tree, elate, 
Said Owl for Titmouse lay in wait, 
Maliciously slept through daylight 
So he could pester Tit. by night. 

"And thus, throughout the said long nights, 
Said owl created said affrights, 
And greatly damaged plaintiff'^ health ; 
Ten Thousand Dollars worth, in wealth ! 

" Wherefore the plaintiff prays relief 
In damages for his said grief 
Which from said premises do flow : '' 
" Signed, Titmouseby his lawyer, Crozu." 



IV. 

The CouPt and Sheriff. 

Then Eagles' Court, at suit of Tit., 
To summon Owl, did issue writ ; 
"Whereas Titmouse hath entered suit 
Against one Owl for hideous hoot, 

" And for great damages doth pray ; 
Now, therefore, you, without delay, 
Sheriff Falco7i we do command, 
Shall summon Owl, and with your hand 



12 DIAGRAM OF A MODERN -LAW SUIT. 

11 Shall make return upon this writ, 
When, where and how you have served it, 
In order that said court may learn 
If Owl be served for our next term." 

To serve the Owl "without delay" 
The sheriff sought for many a day, 
Until through darkness he saw light, 
To serve defendant in the night. 



V. 



Consultation — Ouul and f^aven. 

When Owl got notice of the suit, 
He uttered one indignant hoot, 
And instantly made up his mind 
To "very best " attorney find ! 

Of Parrot and Magpie he had heard 
That each was a good talking bird, 
He chose inferior Raven, though, 
He wanted one to match that Crow. 

The Raven the Owl's statement heard, 
Then gravely croaked " Tis quite absurd 
That you have done a legal wrong 
Because Titmouse don't like your song. 

" And as to nights you need but say 
What's night to him to you is day. 
Big Counterclaim that gives us — see? 
And you just leave the rest to me. 



A SATIRE ON TRIAL BY JURY. 



13 



" As for this Mr. Lawyer Crow, 

Of whom I've heard, but do not know, — 

The pettifogger I would shoot 

Who'd bring against me such a suit! 

" Behind all this there is much back, 
Crow's reputation is quite Black, — 
Indeed 'twould be a novel sight 
If one could find a Black Crow, White ! " 

" Crow with his tongue as with a sword, 
Commands the Yahoos of his ward ; 
All parties Press for votes, you know, 
Hence the " Great Yahoo Lawyer, Crow."' 

" On tide of politics and stench, 

This Crow was once tossed on the bench : 

" Of colors one all tickets lack," 

Hence scum was chosen that was Black. 

"And it's a general belief 
That Crow's a most consummate thief ! — 
Robber of nests! — leaves homes forlorn; 
Oft' convicted of stealing corn ! 

'" Crow's of a gang that makes great caws 
While threatening Terrors of the Laws! 
Of Bogus Terrors Crow's the star, — 
The premium Scare-crow of the bar. 

" Crow's gang, in conclave, makes such fuss, 
That each crow 7 seems a small Caw-cuss, 
The caws thereof who looks, perceives 
Crow's caucus of the Forty Thieves! 



14 DIAGRAM OF A MODERN LAW SUIT. 

" Crow knows quite nothing of our laws, 
Yet all who seek him hear great caws 
Why suits for damage should be brought ; 
That crow is mighty! — law is naught. 

"The bar Crow's most attended here, 
Keeps wines and liquors, ale and beer; 
Judge Eagle, as all truly know, 
Looks with contempt upon this Crow." 

"True, at banquets where fine wines flow, 
As 'Eagle' we must toast this Crow, 
And thus the truth and justice mar, 
Compelled by ethics of the bar. 

" We'll get a microscope to see 
Titmouse — no bigger than a bee, 
And how 'twill make the jury howl 
To contrast such a gnat with Owl ! 

•' We'll skin this Titmouse, head to tail, 
And prove his suit but pure Black Mail! 
And now, that you and I agree, 
The little matter of my fee ? 

" We'll settle now, as you will gain 
So much by service you retain. 
Thanks; there's receipt — you see I'm fair; 
1 like to deal with owls who're square." 

" For you Iv'e waived my rule, you know, 
Above Police Courts I ne'er go, 
Except in special cases where 
Wise Owls and Big Fees force me there." 



A SATIRE ON TRIAL BY JURY. 15 



VI. • 

The Raven then Owl's answer drew ; 
Denied Tit's matter — set up new. 
" Said Owl denies that in said nights 
Said hootings put said dreams to flights, 

" Banished said rest, brought said dismay, 
Avers he hooted in the day 
When all his family and friends 
Were all astir for business ends, 

" But Titmouse, on alleged each night, 
Which Owl calls days, came home quite tight, 
And all day roosted in his tree 
Recov'ring from an all-night spree, 

" And boosy, blinked from dizzy height, 
Too drunk to tell the day from night, 
And when Owl's real nights did appear 
Said Titmouse opened his career 

" With low, sarcastic, twitt'ring sounds, 
Flutterings, leaping without the bounds 
Of decency or respect for those, 
Who, in said night, sought said repose. 

"Advantage took of his moonlight, 
Which well he knew destroyed Owl's sight; 
Leaped on Owl's tree, himself to shake, 
And chirped, ' Come, Owl, it's time to wake ! ' 



10 DIAGRAM OF A MODERN LAW SUIT. 

" Then bracing up on Owl's tree trunk, 
He leering, squeaked, ■ Owl must be drunk ! 
Thus on Owl's tree he broke Owl's peace, 
And trespassed where Owl claimed a lease. 

" Noisy by night, boozy by day, 
Said Titmouse chased said Owl away, 
And forced him, when he could not see, 
From home and nest in hollow tree, 

•' To fly, bewildered, through each night 
To seek refuge from Titmouse, tight. 
Hence Owl's for damages inclined 
For constitution undermined ! 

" We don't call Titmouse a Dead Beat, 
But move for Costs so he can't cheat, 
If he don't prove his charges foul." 
Signed : " Raven, for defendant Owl." 



VII. 

Cvoui's Replication. 

Crow's Replication, filed in time, 
Traversed the statements, line by line, 
In Answer of New Matter spun, 
Denying each and every one. 

Then followed Motions to Amend, 
Demurrers, quibbles without end, 
Moves to strike out all that or this, 
So many things had gone amiss, 



A SATIRE ON TRIAL BY JURY. 17 

Motions More Definite to make 
The pleadings, or to judgment take, 
' T%1 ijirough mass of legal tissue 
Pleadings were at last — At Issue. 

VIII. 

Consultation — Titmouse and Gpouu. 

Said Crow to Tit., " We're in a plight ! — 
Raven has coaxed that Owl to fight ! 
Of Raven I have often heard, 
His pretences are quite absurd. 

" And since rich foreigner, Miss Rook, 
He wed, by mystic hook or crook, 
For Corporations snide he croaks, 
All managed by his wife's rich folks. 

<: Of course, contemptuously of me 
They say he speaks, but don't you see ? 
The Sucker caught in golden net 
Feels raised above a Trout that's wet. 

"Bird that's by golden thread ensnared, 
Despises bird in freedom paired. 
A Rook'ry in this Gilded Age, 
Is called a Raven's Golden Cage! 

"With croaking, rasping, horrid voice, 
With Carrion his dainty choice, 
With swearing, stealing, getting tight, 
His character's as Black as night ! 



18 DIAGRAM OF A MODERN LAW SUIT. 

" This coarse, and ill-bred sot, at best, 
Was once an uninvited guest, 
And ere the shocked host could mistrust, 
Stalked in and got on a Big Bust ! 

"The owner the intruder spied, 

And with indignant voice he cried ; 

'Go\ Wretch! Robber! Murderer! Thief! Bore!' 

But, Raven, drunk, croaked, ' Nevermore ! ' 

"This is no crazy poet's tale, 

But solemn truth — though somewhat stale; 

In court these facts I'd clearly show 

By witness Edgar Allan Poe. 

" For Party's cause the Press referred 
To Raven as the ' Nation's Bird ! ' 
The Foreign Element not to lose, 
Nor. scavenger for filthy news. 

"In court and club, of course you know, 
We call this Raven ' White as snow. ' 
Bar Etiquette precludes a fight 
By calling many Black things White." 



IX. 

The Trial. 

The case now coming on for trial, 
And justice prayed without denial, 
Court, as in duty bound to do, 
Summoned Jury— good men and true. 



A SATIRE OX TRIAL BY JURY. 19 

Then Sheriff took venire writ, 
Served right and left, as he saw fit, 
Excuses wild for answer got 
" Hereof at peril, fail you not ! " 

A queer, mixed crowd — a fine job lot — 

From Body Politic was got 

To try this Celebrated Cause 

Of Facts entangled with the Laws. 

Obeying now this awful writ, 

And in the jury box to sit, 

Came the impartial "good and true" 

Sworn duty fearlessly to do. 



X. 



The Jury. 

" We'll open court ! " Judge Eagle called ; 
Then Sheriff, with his " Extra," bawled; 
" Oyez ! Oyez ! Mighty indeed, 
Whose rulings all the nation's heed, 

" This High Court's now in grandeur spread ! " 
" Call the jury," Judge Eagle said. 
Then Sheriff yelled to the appalled: 
" Jurors will answer names when called, 

11 And take seats in the jury box ! " 
Then called, " Squirrel, Coon, Frog, Wren, Fox, 
Jackdaw y Polecat, Robbin, Mink, Rat," 
Twelve made with Kingfisher and Bat. 



20 DIAGRAM OF A MODERN LAW SUIT. 

These were the fair twelve not refused, 
Nor by the Court were they excused ; 
Knew nothing of the present case ; 
Met neither party any place ; 

Nothing of Owl's said hootings heard, 
In papers none had read a word. 
Both sides accept the twelve with greed 
Perfect jury — not one could read 



XL 



The Cletfk. 

" Swear the jury ! " Judge Eagle said ; 
Then Clerk Tom Turkey rose and spread : 
" You'll each, on oath which all must bind, 
A verdict — and a true one — find ; 

" Mind only what you see and hear, 

Not what you think, or feel, or fear; 

With truth — not creed — your hearts will throb 

You each do swear, — so help you Bob /" 

On jury sworn now all rely, 
The issues well and true to try, 
Twixt plaintiff Titmouse, sitting here, 
And Owl, defendant, sitting there. 

Croaked Crow: "This jury's time to save 
My opening statement I will waive." 
Then added, with a radiant face, 
11 My witnesses will state my case — 



A SATIRE ON TRIAL BY JURY. 21 

"So, Mr. Sheriff, one and all, 
The witnesses for plaintiff call." 
Then Sheriff Falcon loud proclaims : 
"Witnesses answer to your names! " 



XII. 



Plaintiff's CUitnesses. 

Then calls the list: "Jay, Blackbird, Hai\ 
Mocking-bird, Swallow, Red-bird, Stork, 
Pigeon, Bine-bird, Yellow-bird, Rail, 
Woodpecker, Mole, Dove, Sparroiv, Quail." 

" All here but Stork and Mole, not found," 
The Sheriff said. Then with abound, 
Croaked Raven, puffed with pride and gall, 
" Defendant' s witnesses please call." 

The Sheriff called, then Whippoorwills, 
And Crickets brought from neighboring hills, 
^Possums, Katydids, Mice, arise, 
Weasels, Ferrets, with blinking eyes, 

In sunlight did quite well comport, 
And answered to their names in court. 
Then with dramatic strut and face 
Crow read the Pleadings in the case. 

Then Clerk Tom Turkey once more spread ; 
" All witnesses be sworn," he said, 
Then all arose, a mixed-up crowd, 
While red-faced Tom. gobbled aloud ; 



22 DIAGRAM OF A MODERN LAW SUIT. 



" Each one will raise his paw or wing, 
And take the little oath I'll sing ! 
You each do swear you'll tell no lie, 
And only truth will testify, 

" And e'en though jurors sleep or nod, 
Awake you'll all keep, S'elp-you-God ! 
Let none from court room fly or crawl, 
Each witness in his turn we'll call." 



XIII. 
The Evidence. 

TESTIMONY FOR PLAINTIFF. 

The list for plaintiff testified 
That they near Titmouse did reside, 
And that throughout these very nights r 
Were 'wakened with terrific frights ! 

'Midst hideous hoots and howlings wild, 
Heard Titmouse oft protesting mild, 
In vain, against said hoots and howl, 
Continued by defendant Owl. 

Soft reasonings chirped in moonlight fair^ 
Were met by rude, insulting stare! 
Mild protests twittered to said Owl 
Were met by cold, unearthly scowl ! 

They knew Owl hid himself by day ; 
"That 'twas malicious— could not say. 
Sleeping or stupid through daylight, 
Owl was a Circus every night ! " 



'23 



A SATIRE ON TRIAL BY JURY. 

Each one was sure 'twas in the night ; 
" Both moon and stars were very bright.' 
They had no wish this Owl to fleece, 
But 'twas disturbance of the peace. 

So with becoming ease and grace, 
Crow proved up well the plaintiff 's case. 
The damages for hootings wild, 
All agreed should not be mild. 

Raven his client Owl much pleased, 
By skillful way in which he teased 
Each witness Crow put on the stand, 
By cross-examinations bland. 



XIV. 

Raven's Cfoss^E^aminatiori, 

Croaked Rav'n : "When Owl put dreams t© 
You state the stars were very bright; [flight 
As you drank nothing worse than Tea, 
Describe these stars that you could see." 

Each said, "The stars were grouped on high, 
Grand, sparkling wonders of the sky ! " 
"No doubt, "Croaked Rav'n, "stars cluster wild." 
" Describe these star groups — draw it mild !" 

Some saw a Great and Little Bear; 
Some swore of Twins they'ed seen a pair 
Some a Scorpion, with claws and tail, 
Others an Archer, strong and hale. 



24 DIAGRAM OB' A MODERN LAW SUIT. 

Some saw a Bull with blood-red eye, 
Some saw a Crab craw-fishing sly. 
Some saw Great Fishes in the swim, 

A Great and Little Dog thrown in ! 

« 

Some saw a Dragon, Swan and Whale, 
Some a Dolphin, with fins and tail, 
Some saw a Ship sailing in air ; 
Some, fleecy bunch of Woman s Hair ! 

Some swore one starry night o'er head 
That they had seen an Eagle spread ! , 
At this Owl's witnesses laughed 'loud. 
Judge Eagle merely smiled and bowed. 

Some saw a Wolf and Goat in Sky; 
Some swore they'd seen a Crow on high ! 
Said smiling Crow, brought to his feet, 
" But not a Rav n ! ' ' — and took his seat. 

Some saw fierce Lion keep the peace, 
Some, a Virgin in starry fleece ; 
Some saw a Ram, with eye of fire, 
While others swore they'd found a Lyre ! 

Croaked Rav'n, "A clear case of shakes ! 
Did you not also see the Snakes? }: 
Each answering, said : " No snakes saw I — 
There was one Serpent in the sky !" 

"That's right," said Rav'n, " the truth recall 
Confess it though the heavens fall ! 
All know who such great wonders see, 
Must go upon a first-class spree." 



A SATIRE ON TRIAL BY JURY. 2 5 

Croaked Raven, fallacy to prove, 

"I'll ask, did these queer creatures move? " 

All answered " yes " with equal zest, 

" They slowly moved from east to west." 

" Well, Claws or Wings were on these forms, 
Did you not see, too, many Horns? " 
" Yes, horns were no Goat, Ram, and Bull ; 
No horns were in the Moon — 'twas full! " 

" Well, Dogs, and Goat, and Bull, you say, 
Were waltzing with fierce beasts of prey : 
If these of addled brains weren't born, 
Why were they not asunder torn?" 

They answered, all, " We saw no row 
With Dogs, or Goat, or this Male Cozv, 
But through the trees we did descry 
Dead Trunks and Limbs against the sky ! 

"For Battle raged throughout that night; 
Great Jupiter blazed in the fight ; 
Bright Hosts seemed led by Bloody Mars, 
While sky was full of Shooting Stars ! " 

" Of course, wild shooting by Police! — 
What caused this fierce, wild fire to cease ? " 
Some thought that, ceasing in an hour, 
'Twas quenched by Meteoric shower. 

"These wonders seemed so clear, alas ! 

Of course you viewed them through a Glass ?' ' 

" No, sir," each said, " no glass saw I, 

But one Great Dipper hung in sky." 



2$ DIAGRAM OF A MODERN LAW SUIT. 

" Ah ! ha! " said Ra^'n, with wicked winks, 
" 'Twas from Great Dipper you took drinks ? " 
Each answered, " No, high as a Crown, 
'Twas out of reach and upside down." 

" What other traces do you find 
These ' Horrors' left upon your mind? 
If ' Horrors' is a word too wild, 
We'll say ' Jim-jams,' and draw it mild." 

Some saw Great Bear, shielding her Cub, 
Growl at Huge Giant with a club! 
Brave Lady in her Chair could scan 
A horrid Beast — half horse, half man ! 

"Of course," croaked Rav'n, "you 'scaped the 
By riding on a swift Night Mare ! [Bear 

Bad dreams are painful to recall ; 
I'll punish you no more — that's all." 

Now Crow croaked, " Make your answers clear ; 
State how these creatures did appear.' ' 
Each said : " As clear, sir, to my eye 
As Constellations in the sky ! " 

Then Crow arose and looked his best, 
And said: "Your Honor, here we rest." 
Then Raven 'rose, with pleasing face, 
And stated the defendant's case. 



A SATIRE ON TRIAL BY JURY. 27 



XV. 

Defendant's Case. 

To jury croaked : " Aspersions foul 
Are cast upon my client, Owi ; 
I hope no minds have been upset, 
There's been but one side heard, as yet; 

" If you'll attend with equa' grace 
You'll find two sides to each ' Clear ' case. 
Curtain that 'rose and fell on Night, 
We'll now ring up on Bright Sunlight ! 

"You'veseenAct First's dirk scenes of Night, 
Bespattered o'er with brain-star light, 
And blooming genius nipped in bud 
Where Tit. appeared as ' Gopher Blood.' 

"Crow, as Iago, — cunning, cool, — 
Would this Othello jury fool — 
Truth, as fair Desdemona, crush, 
Then you must smother— Justice blush! 

" In this next Act day follows night ; * 
Dark Error flies before Truth's light ! 
Tragedian Owl will truth evince, 
In his forced part : ' The Black, Mailed Prince' 

"We'll show you from this witness stand, 
The most abused Owl in this land ! 
We'll show you how, on mixed drinks tight, 
This Titmouse mixed his days with night." 



2H DIAGRAM OF A MODERN WW MIT. 

i » 

" We'll show you who these fellows are 
Who swore with such assurance rare ; 
We'll show you falsehoods how to nail; 
We'll show you case of Pure Black Mail ! " 

XVI. 

Testimony for Defendant. 

Owl's witnesses — a dusky band; 
Though each one blinked upon the stand, 
Yet when they swore of Nights and Days, 
The case assumed another phase. 

They, too, lived in this neighborhood 
Where Owl had hooted through the wood, 
And each one gravely on oath swore 
He'd ne'er seen plaintiff's gang before! 

" Impossible! " they all did deem, 
That there they lived and were not seen, 
"For in these woods they all were born, 
And roamed in daylight, shine and storm." 

These " Hootings wild" they all had heard, 
Yet had not been the least disturbed, 
As each one on his oath would say 
" 'Twas only in broad light of day ! " 

These "Hootings" were enchanting sound 
That through the hollow woods resound ; 
"Rich music that the Owl endears 
To all appreciative ears." 



A SATIRE ON TRIAL BY JURY. 29 

In good repute they all concurred, 

Not one had ever heard a word 

'Gainst Owl's good name ; " He ne'er got tight 

And came home early every night." 

At sleeping time, each witness swore, 
Tii it ritm mse was an Awful Bore! 
All well recalled that stormy night 
When Titmouse put this Owl to flight: 

Each heard it all — though none could see; 
All thought Titmouse was on a spree. 
" To wander forth in such a gale 
Would peril constitution hale." 

Then Raven croaked : "Call Doctor Drake!' 
Who waddled forth, and thus he spake: 
" To be exposed at such a time 
Might constitution undermine ; 

" I've Owl examined in strong light, 
And found his eyes did not seem right. 
Exposure might have caused, I think. 
Owl's tendency to stare and blink." 

"Take the witness," said Rav'n to Crow. 
Crow asked : " Now, Doctor, don't you know 
That Drakes who're not choice Canvas Backs 
Are rated here as Fourth Class Quacks? " 

The Doctor said: " One thing I know; 
I've often doctored Mr. Crow! " — 
"That's all !" said Crow, with blushing face, 
" My ailments are not in this case." 



30 DIAGRAM OF A MODERN LAW SUIT. 



XVII. 

Cpoxxx's CPoss^Examination. 

Crow each one cross-examined strong; 
Owl's hootings were upheld as song, 
And all these " Voices of the night " 
Proclaimed these songs were in daylight. 

Asked Crow: " This Sun that was so bright, 
Did it not shed soft, silv'ry light? " 
To first response they all stood true ; 
(It was the only Sun they knew ! ) 

" Since Sun ne'er made your eyesight fail, 
It's light was surely soft and pale ? ' ' 
Their answers put things in clear light; 
" The sun we saw was very bright. 

"That sun that in the east doth rise, 
And sets in west as daylight dies : 
Queen of our day ; a glowing ball 
Whose bright light makes the shadows fall/ 

So Crow asked each, " State, if you please, 
If some don't call your sun ' Green Cheese ? ' 
A " Green Cheese " sun none could recall: 
"Our bright sun rolls — it does not Crawl! " 

Pressed Crow: "This sun of silv'ry rays — 
Had it not also, many a phase ? '' 
Each said : " Eclipses sometimes came ; 
It rose and set each day the same." 



A SATIRE ON TRIAL BY JURY. 34 



"Well did you see these bright stars, 
Or planets Jupiter and Mars ? " 
All said : " tiy night their nres regale ; 
At our sunrise their glories pale." 

" Don't some your sun ' Miss Luna ' call ? 
Don't your sun make tides rise and fall? " 
Some said : " Some Lunatics there be, 
Your tides — we've never been to sea." 

"Well, isn't your sun called ' Female ' bright 
Because she puts things in false light; 
Reflects on neighbors, one by one, 
And often darkens earth's bright sun ? " 

"Some would attractive things call 'She; ' 
1 False Light ' must first come from a ' He ! " 
Our sun ne'er reflects — by remark'. 
Earth's sun from his own spots grows dark." 

" Is not your sun around us whirled, 
A satelite of this small world ? " 
Some said : " They say sun 'round us rolls 
Because we re whirling on two poles." 

" Did your sun that 'crawled not, but rolled/ 
Emit rays that were hot, or cold? 
And does your sun that is so bright, 
Steal, beg, or borrow it's soft light ? " 

Some said : " Hot must be our sun's rays, 
For 'twas quite warm through these bright days 
That sun steals light we can't presume ; 
Without reflecting on your moon ! " 



32 DIAGRAM OF A MODERN LAW SUIT. 

So Crow asked witnesses, each one, 
"How far away shone your bright sun? " 
Its distance each one merely guessed ; 
" Two hundred thousand miles." at best. 

" We know our sun, don't you foiget ! " 
Here Raven slyly croaked, " You bet ! " 
" That's all," said Crow, with frowning face 
Said Rav'n : " We rest defendant's case." 



XVIII. 

Testimony in Rebuttal. 

Then Crow, with angry voice, said : " Call 
Witnesses in rebuttal — oil!" 
And though he did the jury bore, 
Called every one he'd called before. 

And all, like Honest Grangers, swore 
They ne'er had met Owl's gang before ; 
" Quite strangers, each and every one, 
Ne'er seen before in light of sun ! 

" Impossible ! " they all did swear, 
That they'd been roaming everywhere 
Throughout these woods from childhood's hour, 
And never saw in tree or bower, 

E'n one of those who've rashly sworn 

That there they've lived since they were born, 

And grew up in their Country Seat, 

And yet themselves did never greet ! 



A SATIRE ON TRIAL BY JURY. 33 

Crow seeing vantage then in reach, 
Proceeded promptly to impeach 
All those who had so rashly sworn 
As to the place where they were born. 

Each witness said : " Strangers I see, 
Who strangers to the truth must be ; 
As from them truth cannot be had, 
Their reputation must be bad ! " 

" Would you, sir, them on oath believe, 
Who could so cunningly deceive ? " 
Asked Crow, and from each answer got, 
" I cannot lie, sir, — I would not / " 



XIX. 

The Close. 

'Midst wrecks of characters, and woes, 
This cause was here brought to a close 
Each side on Court imposes task, 
And many queer instructions ask. 

XX. 
The Instructions, 

Judge Eagle the instructions fixed, 
To tell the jury case was mixed 
With features in it clear as Light, 
While others were as dark as Night. 



34 DIAGRAM OF A MODERN LAW SUIT. 

" And which are light and dark you'll find, 
And settle who's been undermined, 
And by your verdict you must say 
Whether these ' nights ' were nights or day. 

" If all your doubts have been removed, 
And cause of action you find proved, 
Verdict for plaintiff then you'll find, — 
Unless you are of dif'rent mind. 

" And should you find said counterclaim 
Is one, such as you can sustain, 
Then render verdict for said Owl, — 
Unless you find said nightly howl. 

"If from evidence you believe 
That witnesses swore to deceive, 
There's nothing in the law, forsooth, 
To make you find they swore the truth. 

" If you find hootings in the night, 

By verdict you'll set Titmouse right, — 

Unless you're of opinion strong, 

That 'nightly' hoots were daylight song. 

" If Titmouse took advantage foul, 

By night, you'll find for Mr. Owl — 

E'n though you find that through each night 

The Sun supplied the bright Moon-light. 

" If this great orb that was so bright, 
Rolled through the day, and not by night, 
That ' twas the Sun you may presume, — 
Unless you find that ' twas the Moon. 



A SATIRE ON TRIAL BY JURY. 35 

" But if this orb that was so bright, 
Rolled not by day, but through the night, 
Then ' twas the Moon, as our laws run, — 
Unless you find that ' twas the Sun. 

fl If, in this case, you find and say, 
Sun shone by night, and Moon by day, 
Then from such facts your verdict make, — 
Unless you find you've made mistake. 

" If all these creatures of the sky 
Were of the brain — not of the eye, — 
In such queer facts this court ne'er delves ; 
Jurors must know how ' tis themselves. 

" If you're ' gainst Owl, then you will guess 
The least amount you should assess : 
In mercy you should justice do 'im, 
Under the maxim, ' Soc et faum* 

" If you're 'gainst Titmouse, bear in mind, 
For compensation, only, find : 
You've tender hearts, and must consult ' em 
Under the law of Damnum Multum. 

"Your Unconditional Oath must bind ; 
'True verdict on th' evidence find,'— 
Unless you find some fact or flaw 
Superior to the oath or law. 

" Finding all heads and theories sound, 
And 'twas the World that got turned ' round, 
Then both side s claims prove nothing worth — 
Unless you find both claim the Earth. 



36 DIAGRAM OF A MODERN LAW SUIT. 

" Instructions altogether take, 
Select not one, a case to make, 
As so few points you clearly see, 
Of course you cannot disagree." 

XXI. 

Raven's Argument. 

Like calm before the tempest wild, 
Lawyers, before the Battle — smiled ! 
Raven opened, and was not slow, 
Daylight through arguments to show ! 

" There are stars some can see by day, 
With certain Heads put on, they say, 
But those who've Lost their Heads, alas ! 
Can only view them through a glass ! 

" But here conspiracy appears, 
For all Tit's witnesses saw stars 
By Daylight ! Can't the jury see 
The entire gang was on a spree ? 

" Strong drink's a magnifier rare : 

So in small ' Dog ' they saw ' Great Bear ! ' 

And by another nipper's aid, 

Each little cup 'Great Dipper' made ! 

"The punch that mixed Tit.'s nights with day 
Was mixed up in the Milky Way! 
The stars that clustered in Tit.'s pate 
Reflect from seas of Whisky Straight ! 



A SATIRE ON TRIAL BY JURY. 37 

" Tit. loved his worms — worms of the Still — 
And when of ' Horns ' he'd had his fill, 
Horns on all things else he'd spy, 
So Horned these creatures of the sky ! 

6 "Twas not the horns of Owl or Moon 
That worried Titmouse at high noon, 
But horns that caught him in the night, 
And tossed him, drunk, into daylight ! 

"Defendant's witnesses all say 
Owl gave his concerts fine, by day ; 
As these are ' creatures of the night,' 
They must be experts as to light ! 

" Crushed Crow in vain each witness mauled, 
To prove that sun was ' Luna ' called ; 
Now we'll^admit, if he'll be soothed, 
That Crow one Lunatic has proved! 

Of course, Titmouse appears quite small ; 
So does the essence of pure gall ; 
Huge Oaks from little acorns rise, 
So rackets don't depend on size ! 

" Can you believe those scamps swore true, 
Who impeached those they never knew? — 
Let's view Tit.'s witnesses with care, 
And see what characters they bear. 

"Those gloomy birds, so Blue, that led; 
That Thug some one had painted Red ; 
That small Black model of a crow; 
That Sparrow-snob — ' English, you know.' 



38 DIAGRAM OF A MODERN LAW SUIT. 

" Woodpecker — sweet Sucker — of sap ; 

Rappings with spirit kept on tap ; 

You know he's called, he makes such fuss, 

I Noisy, little, red-headed cuss ! ' 

II That jaundiced bird of /Saffron hue ; 
Pigeon — flighty, or in some stew ; 
That whistling Tough of rapid flight, 
The skulking Quail — alias ' Bob White J ' 

" Those birds that you heard Mock and Rail ; 
The Dude that wore the Swallow-tail ; 
That Pirate of high, sailing ways, 
That Hawks his virtues when he preys. 

" Shells and feathers, — reptile and bird, — 
To cross, nature would deem absurd, 
But in this case a broader love 
Presents us with a Turtle-Dove ! 

" And really it needs but a word 
To convince you ' tis quite absurd, 
This ' Happy Family ' in the sky, 
Where ' Goats ' and * Crabs ' together lie! 

" Where creatures of the sea, and air, 
Together find one common lair; 
Where ' Bulls' and ' Bears ' caught up on high, 
Continue gambolling in the sky ! 

" A Great Menagerie! — ne'er at rest, 
Grand Pageant, moving east to west, 
' Great Fishes ' with huge tails and fins, 
Swimming' round the Virgin's ' Twins!" 



A SATIRK ON TRIAL BY JURY. 39 

"Monstrosities' convention rare, 
With brilliant ' Lady in the Chair!' — 
Dime Museum on Inferno's brink, 
One price to all — ten cents — each drink! 

" In this Great Show wonders ne'er cease, 
Wild Beasts with Tame entwined in peace! 
A ' Virgin ' who ne'er went astray 
Entangled in the Milky way ! 

" Sparkling wonder, on earth so rare, 

A detached bunch of ; Woman's Hair!' 

' Fierce Dragon!' — frightened by Owl's hoots! 

' Huge Serpent !' — born of snakes in boots ! 

" 4 Great fight ' twixt Jupiter and Mars 
Arrested by these Shooting Stars!' 
Did Mars on good ship ' Argo ' sail, 
To dodge his Giant Rival's ' Whale?' 

" ' A Crow in heaven! ' — Oh! wondrous sight, 
Reserv'd for only those who 're tight! 
1 A Great Man-Horse V-Here *s l Half and Half P 
Me thinks I hear the Horse part laugh ! 

" ' A Lyre in heaven !' — now what's that worth 
When coming from such liars of earth ! 
One greater wonder they'll soon show, — 
Just one more ' Great, Sky-scraping Crow ! ' 

" ' Beasts,' ' Birds,' and ' Fishes ' of the sea, 
All in the self-same air must be! — 
Shakespeare has made this Old Trick stale, 
With ' Weasel,' ' Camel,' and a * Whale !' 



40 DIAGRAM OF A MODERN LAW SUIT. 

"' Twins,' ' Bears,' and ' Dogs '-all double see 
Whom Titmouse takes upon a spree! 
These creatures of the Brain — not sky, — 
Wiggled and squirmed in fine Old Rye ! 

" If all these Star Gazers were'nt tight, 
How could they all miss that Grand sight, 
The Sober Man's bright friend on high, 
The WATER-BEARER in the sky ! 

" Crow will, of course, explain to you 
Tit's witnesses ne'er came in view 
Of Owls,' because when Owls' gained sight 
' Feathers' were roosting for the night. 

" Then why this jury paralyze 

With Holy Terrors of the skies 

Seen in these Roosters' dreams by night, 

Or through a glass in broad day-light ! 

" With your fine personnel in sight, 
I feel your verdict must be right, 
For Wren o'er Owl would ne'erhigh fly, 
And Mr. Squirrel stands quite high, 

" And Jackdaw ) decorated fine, 
With Noble Peacocks asked to dine ! 
Fresh from the great ' Diet of Worms,' 
Robbin from duty never squirms ! 

'' Kingfisher, from standing, high and steep, 
Beneath the surface sees quite deep ! — 
So, I might say of all the rest, 
Each one considered seems the best. 



A SATIRE ON TRIAL BY JURY. 41 

" The court instructs that, as to Tit., 

' Much Damages ' in this case fit — 

Owl's health was wrecked, hence you'll < con- 

Your tender hearts '-and Titmouse mulct, [suit 

" Now Crow to you Great Caws will show! — 

(Behind a Raven comes a Crow ! ) 

But gullibility you'll disclaim 

By verdict on Owl's counterclaim!" 

XXII. 

Ctfoca's flpgument. 

Crow having closing of the case, 

Said, opening with becoming grace, 

'* All witnesses you've heard — two bands: 

One band before you perjured stands ! 

11 To truth and sunlight open foes ; 
Which gang that is each juror knows ! 
Conspiracy !— dark, and well planned, 
You've witnessed on this witness stand! 

'* You heard sarcastic Raven say 
Our witnesses saw stars by day: 
His witnesses are in worse plight ! 
Not one had seen the stars by night ! 

11 Could they in these woods all have been, 
By day or night, and not be seen ? 
If day had not sight of them brought, 
In Chicken Coops some had been caught ! 



42 DIAGRAM OF A MODERN LAW SUIT. 



"Of course these Shoddy Rodents prove 
That they in dif'rent Circles move, 
But Circles High of witness Hawk % 
The high pretexts of low scamps mock! 

" Low circle of imported scamps ! 
A band of homeless, wand'ring tramps; 
Drummed up, brought in this case to swear, 
And with mock virtue blink and stare! 

" You saw these hirelings, brought from night, 
Squirm, wince and twist, in bright sunlight ; 
Can you name cne, who in this case, 
Could look you squarely in the face ! 

"Of course a Moon of ' Green Cheese ' crawled, 
Hence soft moonlight was sunlight called. 
To say 'twas Sun's fierce light at noon, 
Casts but reflections on the Moon ! 

"Would you believe those Mice o'er Quail? 
Crickets o'er Blue-bird? — Weasels o'er Rail? 
Ferrets o'er Hawk? — Do you believe 
That Dove o'er 'Possum could deceive ? 

" These creatures, with an Eagle's sight, 
Described their ' Sun' that was so bright, 
While in this court room, bear in mind, 
The sunlight almost struck them blind ! 

' ' That ' Green Cheese ' proved a fine Mouse-trap ! 
Night creatures caught in daylight nap! 
Its stealthy rays, creeping and pale, 
Caught 'Possum hanging by his tail! 



A SATIRE ON TRIAL BY JURY. 43 

" Their timid Crickets chirped in doubt; 
E'en Ferrets could not ferret out 
'Gainst Tit. 's good name, one spark or word, 
And yet we call this angel ', ' bird ! ' 

" And this wee bird, as we've been told, 
A barrelfitl, at least, must hold 
To prolong rackets through each night — 
Or was he charged with Dynamite ? 

" And it's an easy thing to do, 
To learn of those we never knew; 
When you below your station reach, 
It's reputation you impeach. 

" We've heard here great complaints arise 
About ' Menagerie ' in the skies; 
Naught Rav'n may croak heaven's beauty mars ; 
These ' Animals ' are made of stars ! 

14 For Raven's sake we did not dare 
Loose roaring King Beast from his lair, 
To craunch his bones ! — his vitals pierce ! — 
Aurora Borealis fierce / 

"Astronomy's a science, grand, 
To those who've sense to understand ; 
Who calls it * Circus ' of renown, 
Himself it is supplies the Clown! 

"Who knows so much of Virgin's sins, 
Must be, himself, one of the ' Twins! ' 
1 Twin,' Bear,' and 4 Dog ' — as well as I, 
You know they're doubled in the sky! 



44 DIAGRAM OF A MODERN LAW SUIT. 



"And we'll admit, for reasoning's sake, 
That none saw stars while not awake, 
But who aroused, and made them see? 
Defendant I — hooting on a spree! 

" The Great who take poetic flight 
Wear noms des plumes like ' Robert White:' 
Thug, Pirate, Snob, Dude, Sucker, Tough, 
Are noms des plumes— of one Black Rough! 

" Where Red, — Brown, — Blue, on truth combine, 
White Rav'n would draw the ' Color Line I ' 
All brilliant plumage he'd attack — 
The Rainbow guyed by Filthy Black ! 

" This * Lyre in heaven,' you understand, 

Is but a Constellation, grand ! 

If it's the Liar of Raven — lo ! 

Its Brightest Star shines here below ! 

" ' Tragedian Owl !' — Of course you laugh 
When thus announced struts Jack Falstaff ! 
And see in Night Storm scene appear, 
Comedian Owl as Mad King Lear ! 

11 So I'm a 'Great, Sky-scraping, Crow!' 
Pray tell me, did you ever know 
A Raven charged with soaring high, 
Who scrapes the gutters for his pie? 

" 'Two Hundred Thousand Miles' away! 
Our bright sun blazed, you heard them say, 
'Twas close to truth — suppress your smiles — 
Within a Hundred Million Miles! 



A SATIRE ON TRIAL BY JURY. 45 

" This Great, Clear Fact appears to you ; 
Their ' Bright Sun ' they could clearly view ! 
That they viewed sunlight we'll assume — 
Sunlight reflected horn the Moon! 

" Conclusion you can't reach too soon, 
That their ' Bright Sun ' was our pale Moon, 
Unless you credit those, forsooth, 
Ninety- Five Million Miles from truth ! 

" Whether in feathers, or in fur, 
In your high standing I concur. 
But why did Rav'n fur jurors slight? 
Because he thought you were ' all right!' 

** When I, in fur, such virtues see, 
I, too, infer you'll ' all right ' be : 
Take juror Fox — none higher than he — 
Run after by Nobility ! 

" Polecat — Where's one more strong or pure! 
Frog — Toadys not to Epicure ! 
Coon — of Free Race the honored name ! 
Bat — hero of great Base Ball fame ! 

" Mink — a gallant! none o'er him stand 
In shielding ladies of the land ! 
Rat — a blessing for public use — 
Free scavenger of all refuse ! 

<l Judge Eagle's clear instructions bind ; 
* In Mercy you must Justice find : ' 
But Mercy justice ne'er denies, 
Hence ' Sock it to him / ' Mercy cries ! 



46 DIAGRAM OF A MODERN LAW SUIT. 

" Our witnesses believe, you must, 
And make Owl ' come down with the Dust!' 
And by your righteous verdict say, 
Hereafter Owls must hoot by day !" 

XXIII. 

The jury, on such wisdom fed, 
Filed out of court with solemn tread, 
To secretly digest this batch, 
And glimpses of some light to catch, 

To turn upon this tangled mass 

Of Darkness, Daylight, Stars, and Glass, 

Beasts, Reptiles, Fishes of the sea, 

Old Rye, Milk Punches, and Strong Tea ! 

XXIV. 
In the Jupy ^oom. 

Jackdaw, himself the foreman made, 
Called twelve to order, then he said ; 
" From evidence we need not quote, — 
We'll first take an informal vote." 

The ballot showed, in numbers round, 
That Jive had for the plaintiff found ; 
That Seven for Owl stood to maintain 
A verdict on his counterclaim. 

Where five agreed upon daylight, 

Seven persisted it was night ! 

Where, through the dark Five saw the night, 

Seven could not see it in that light! 



A SATIRE ON TRIAL BY JURY. 47 

Discussion here took place, and then 
Jurors Jackdaw, Squirrel, and Wren, 
Robbin, and Kingfisher, agree 
That this case in same light they see. 

But jurors Fox, Coon, Frog, and Rat, 
Polecat, and Mink, and juror Bat, 
Of course saw things in dif rent light, 
And thought Owl's theories quite right. 

They found, — from all the evidence, 
According to their nat'ral sense, 
As God had bade them view light's rays, — 
They found Titmouse's ' nights ' were days. 

And whether much, or none, he took, 
They through his glass refused to look. 
Said Bat : " Unless our nature's changed, 
Or you can show we're quite deranged, 

''Then our experiences and light 
All clearly teach us day from night, 
And time to sleep, and time to wake, 
For Nature never makes mistake! " 

Then Foreman Jackdaw, for the Five 
" Daylight" jurors, said : 4< To arrive 
At such a dark conclusion, we 
Must be so changed that we can see 

"A point in darkness, where we're blind, 
And be unlike all of our kind, 
Whom God hath given only sight 
To see a point in broad daylight!" 



48 DIAGRAM OF A MODERN LAW SITT. 

* 

So jurors, by comparing notes, 

Discussing, and in taking votes, 

FOUND — that they ne'er could set things right, 

The days were so mixed up with night! 

Jurors, like witnesses, each kind, 
Could see where others all were blind : 
By nature failed alike to see, 
Hence could not fail to disagree. 

XXV. 
JVTofal. 

In Law, for trifles light as air, 
To boldly plunge let all beware, 
Unless prepared to prove outright 
That night is day. and day is night! 

Law's Sun which makes a just cause bloom 
May be eclipsed by Fact's Dark Moon, 
While glit'ring stars which prove the night 
Thick fogs or mists may hide from sight. 

Before you sail o'er troubled waves 
That roll o'er many wat'ry graves, 
Select a compass, true, and right, 
That's safe to trust by day or night. 

With sprouts, bright leaves and flowers of Spring, 
The Plants in law bright hopes may bring. 
But few foretell from flower or root 
The kind or flavor of their fruit. 



A SATIRE ON TRIAL BY JURY. 49 

In raw aspect your case may be,- - 
Without bright leaves or flowers, — a Tree; 
It's quality found bad or good 
From Shape or Size — not from it's wood. 

-To know plain facts do'nt plain facts prove; 
We know the Sun and Planets move: 
We prove the Moon's bright light by all ; 
We know it sheds no light at all ! 

Your the'ry may be true and strong, 

Yet th'opposite may not be wrong ; 

Viewed from two standpoints, -day, and night, - 

Both may be wrong, and both be right. 

Claims to the Earth, by day or night, 
Are not disproved by Stars or Light ; 
To " Boom " needs but the " Stars ", of Gab 
To supplement a Gift of Grab ! 

Lawyers should be of good report 
Who keep their clients out of court: 
As last resort consent to vex, 
And simple matters make complex. 

' Glorious Uncertainty of Law ' 

May spring from some small, occult flaw, 

But the certainty the Law lacks, 

May spring from more uncertain *' Facts," 

Which jurors look at through their specs, — 
Which may be concave, or convex, — 
Each sees through, unlike his fellow, 
Red, or Green, or Blue, or Yellow. 



50 DIAGRAM OF A MODEKN LAW SUIT. 

From Legal Cloth law cuts with tact 
Garments to fit each Naked Fact; 
To try them on the jurors sit 
And prove themselves a Grand Misfit ! 

Jurors with diff' rent heads and necks, 
Have diff' rent lenses to their specs., 
Which broaden, or elongate facts, 
Or make small footprints Monster Tracks! 

When jurors have been sadly mixed, 
Their various views are strongly fixed : 
For views to fit to every face, 
Provide a many sided case, 

Be sure your cause will seem quite right, 
When closely viewed by day or night 
From any angle, and prove true 
From Low standpoints, or Birdseye view. 

On " Crazy Quilts " Law sometimes makes 
Fantastic Dragons, Owls and Snakes, 
'With threads of Gold, Red, Blue and Green, 
But on which Cupid ne'er was seen. 

Law prompts a " Tug-of-War " which strains 
Facts in dispute with skill and pains; 
And oft', when stretched through weary years, 
The subject-matter disappears ! 

Blows that are struck by legal hand 
The parties — not the laws — demand: 
Lawyers, like shears, are bright and keen 
And meet to cut — what's placed between. 



A SATIRE ON TRIAL BY JURY. 51 

Grand Science colors trifles high, 
As sunshine paints the rainbow-sky ; 
As glowing coals will make more bright 
The little sparks they gild with light. 

Like other ills of human life, 
Unwelcomed comes harsh legal strife: 
With " symptoms " clear, and motives pure, 
The Doctors may prescribe a cure. 

Like all weapons by public used, 
These Loaded Laws may be abused : 
One's free to take, and load, and aim 
At Owls, or more respectedgame ; 

But when you take Law's Gun, and load 
To kill according to the Code, 
So load, that gun to silence hoots, 
Will not kick harder than it shoots ! 

" Pot-Hunter " may at one bird aim, 
Yet Bring to Bag a " Heap ' ' of slain ! 
Chance ' ' Murder ' ' breeds a ' ' killing ' ' class 
That Millions ! scent in Legal Grass. 

While jurors may, with patience, hear, 
And seem the Law and Courts to fear, 
Still tinder-currents they conceal, 
Drown what they hear in what they feel. 

While Fountain Heads of facts appear 
From evidence that jurors hear, 
Harsh rules of Law on dull ears fall; 
EXPERIENCE outweighs them all! 

Me TK€ ep ^ 



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